By the time most people start looking for a therapist, they're hurting. That's understandable, but it's also a vulnerable position to make an important decision from. So before anything else: slow down. This is a significant choice, and it deserves the same care you'd bring to any major commitment.
The good news is that your own responses are your best guide. You already know, at some level, what genuine help feels like. The work is learning to trust that.
What to Look For
A good therapist is genuinely curious about you. They're interested in helping you understand your own experience, not in telling you what you think, or what you should do, or how you should feel. They work alongside you rather than above you.
You should feel that your questions are welcome. A therapist who can't tolerate being challenged, or who responds to your doubts with defensiveness or credentials, is telling you something important. The right therapist will take your concerns seriously and give you answers that actually satisfy you.
One question worth asking early: "Why should I see you rather than someone else?" It's a genuine question, and there's no single right answer, but pay attention to how they respond. Do they engage with it thoughtfully? Do they help you think through what you're actually looking for? Or do they deflect, or lean on their qualifications, or seem thrown by it?
Be skeptical of any approach that promises quick fixes, guaranteed results, or improvement without discomfort.
Trusting Your Own Responses
Therapy is a relationship, and your instincts about relationships still apply. If something feels off, if you feel flattered rather than understood, directed rather than helped, or unclear about where the boundaries are, trust that response. You don't need to diagnose what's wrong or have language for it. That unease is information.
A therapist's job is to help you understand your feelings, not to act on them. If sessions consistently leave you feeling good without feeling like work, something may be missing. Real therapy is more like training than like comfort. There should be effort involved, and sometimes that effort is uncomfortable.
The Bottom Line
A good therapeutic relationship can be genuinely transformative. A bad one can set you back. Take your time, trust yourself, and don't let anyone's credentials override your own experience of what's happening in the room.
It's far better to have no therapist than a bad therapist.
Richard Sembera is a Registered Psychotherapist and Training Candidate of the Canadian Institute of Psychoanalysis. He practises in Ottawa and virtually across Ontario. If this resonates, you're welcome to get in touch.